Lesson 60: Speaking A Lot Shows Care?

Ven was the only child which could get anything she wanted easily without any effort. However, her mum started to realize that she was being pampered too much so her mum wished to correct her attitude. Soon she realized that it was not as easy as she thought.

This anxious mum spoke to me over the phone, saying that, "Ven was getting lazier and lazier, doesn't do revision even though the exam is around the corner. I was so worried! I had been telling her that she has to be hardworking because she is going to grade 7 next year. But she didn't take my advice to heart. I had been telling her to focus on her study but she has been watching music videos of pop idol group. This is so frustrating! Furthermore, I had been telling her..."

After her long-winded speech, I finally had a chance to ask her,

"So, did you try any other ways to speak to her?"

"What any other ways? She isn't 3 year-old now. She should be able to understand!" Her loud cried-out forced me to stay further away from the phone.

Parents always hope their children to have a good future. Thus they care a lot and advice their children a lot. However, children do not always take the advice seriously. It is most frustrating when the children did not listen and became worse even though the parents tried to give a lot of advises. Due to the love for the children, parents speak so that children can understand and correct their weaknesses. However, children do not appreciate all the efforts of their parents.

Where is the problem?

If you notice, one sentence that Ven's mum always repeated was ,"I had been telling her". I believe most parents tend to say that. Telling your child this is important, that is important constantly. Well, you said that because you care about your child but have you ever thought about your child's feeling?

You spoke to your child a lot but did you listen to your child?

Most of the time, when I suggested parents to converse with their children, they often misunderstood that "conversation" is equivalent to "speaking a lot". As a result, their feedback were "It didn't work. after I spoke to my kid, he / she still did not listen!" When I checked in detail, I found that the way of conversation was wrong.

You resolve things by conversing and also make your wishes come true by conversing.
By doing so, issues between people will get resolved and things will become harmonious. (Joshua J)

Conversation is a two way process. Parents speak as well as the children. It is an opportunity for both parties to understand each other. If parents was being forceful, the children would perceive that parents did not understand them. Is it possible for the child to listen in that situation?

If you want your child to listen to you, first you must listen to your child. A person who really care for the child will listen and help the child to resolve their issues.

Ven's issue is very common. Parents want to achieve their wish but they neglect the children's psychological needs thus consensus could not be reach. When I talked to Ven, I discovered that she wanted to be a singer but was objected by her mum. She was innocent to think that being a singer was a very easy path thus she was slacking in her study. However, from the point of view of a mother, even if she wanted to be a singer, she must work hard in her academic. Hence, her mum strongly opposed her dream.

After understood Ven's situation, I tried to guide her thinking.
"Do you know how to be a professional singer?"

Ven shook her head.

"You like the Korean pop idol group, right? Do you know how did they train themselves?"

She shook her head again.

Thus, I roughly told her the training process of the idol groups. Sacrifice of sleep and time to focus on the training of singing and dancing skills were necessary in order to be a great singer. Sometimes they could only sleep 3 to 4 hours per day.

Ven was shocked when she heard this. It was too hard if she compared it with her current life. If she really wanted to be a singer, she must be prepared from now on. Hence, I asked her, "Are you learning vocal skills? Dancing? Or any musical instrument?"

Ven shook her head and said, "No. Only piano. But I wish that I could not continue it. It was too hard."

"Piano was too hard? Being a singer will be harder than that. I think you must be prepared mentally. Meanwhile you have to work hard in your study."

A few days later, I received a call from Ven's mum, saying that she was amazed as Ven took initiative to do revision.

Well, it is not hard to make children in comprehending an issue. They will understand your care and love you have for them if you explain properly through conversation. Therefore, the most important thing is not to how much you speak but how much care you have when you are conversing.

Conversation is care, only care will make a conversation. (Joshua J )

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